Partisan
by theSnuffaluffigus
Summary: NH Trilogy. People say, You dont know what you have till you lose it. But life has taught me differently... That, you've always know what you have... you just never thought you would lose it.


**Partisan (trilogy) by _theSnuffaluffigus_**

**Part 1 of 3** – **_While my guitar gently weeps_**

(is N/H centric with parts of L/B and tree hill friends, (in a way) is A/U—just read to find out!)

* * *

"_**Waking up from this nightmare,**_

_**How's your life? What's it like there, is it all what you want it to be?**_

_**Does it hurt when you think about me and how broken my heart is?"**_

(Yellow card's, Empty Apartment)

* * *

I'm Nathan Scott. 20 years old. A working student living up in Chapel Hill. I had a family, had friends, had a life. Had is something I've been comfortable with now, just like_ used_. I used to be star player of the Tree Hill Ravens, the star basketball player, I was the best or at least I used to be. I also used to be married, but like all the other things in my life, that was just another temporary fix. I guess I've gotten the hang of it. _It_ pertaining to the concept of everything in my life dissolving into nothing but another used to be.

Things used to be so much simpler. A cycle of basketball, parties, and sex. The trivial life of a hormone driven teenage jock. That was me, four years ago, junior year at Tree Hill high school. Me at the top of my game, pre-Haley as I like to call it. Haley, Haley James. She was the smart, do gooder kind. Not the kind of girl I had ever dated before. For years we existed in our carefully separated worlds without interacting but things change. As cliché as it sounds, fate stepped in. She came along into my life and changed it all. For the better? I can't say that it was, but she definitely gave my life meaning. _Gave_. Past tense. I didn't say give did I.

_I can describe Lucas in one word: Bastard._

_Whose that girl he's always with?_

_I need a tutor._

_Don't say I never gave you anything._

_I wanna be someone good enough to be seen with you._

_Marry me._

_I'm thinking lets just wake up every morning like this._

You're probably thinking I had a good life, scratch that, the life everyone dreams of. Opposites attract whirlwind of a romance and marriage at 16. Every romantics dream. Whoopi doo. But like I said, _had._

Past tense.

Again.

Now you're catching on.

_You kissed Chris Keller?_

_I don't want you seeing him anymore._

_If you leave we're done._

_Nathan she's gone._

And that was when it happened, when everything ended. It was when we ended, when _I_ ended. No goodbye, no tears, just me going down to the liquor store and getting myself a pack of beer. This is the part in my life that I like to call, _Nathan the Alcoholic._

It was as if someone picked up a remote and pressed rewind because suddenly everything started moving backwards bringing me back to my pre-Haley era and onto my past ways—back to all the partying, games and drinking. Nathan Scott was back to his glory days, me back to doing what I do best. Each bottle consumed was like a toast to my sorrows; the failed marriage and the ache in my heart that it left. Each party a celebration of my new found freedom, no more wifey as the varsity put it. But behind that blithe façade that I had put on for the world I had my own hidden agenda. I thought that maybe, just maybe, if she saw me all miserable without her she'd have to come back and fix me. But she didn't come back, she didn't fix me. No one could fix me.

It went on for weeks, me being miserable I mean. And other days it got worse. I didn't drink, didn't eat, I couldn't even sleep. I was numb. On those days I'd find myself just laying in bed, my arm outstretched to her pillow imaging her body there next to me, the touch of her soft auburn hair against my skin, the tingle that swept through my body at our slightest touch. Those days were the worst of them all.

Then, it happened. That day. The day everything changed. That part of my life I call, _Me being stupid._

Race car track, high speed lap, 300 miles per hour. It was supposed to be therapy, help ease the pain... Not ease in my stupidity.

I wasn't supposed to, _I was told not to_, but desperate for the pain to go away, I did it. I hit the accelerator.

Head on into that solid. Brick. Wall.

To die? No. I wasn't thinking about death then, ironically nor was I thinking about life either. Body systems blocked off, I was incapable of any rational thought. At that moment any thought was irrelevant if it wasn't of Haley, just as it had always been since I met her. I wanted to think of something else, I really did, to be able to think of anything just not her. For even a god damn second. But all I could think about was Haley... and the pain.

The pain that had taken over ever since she left me. The pain that filled the emptiness that she had left. That ache in my heart that wouldn't go away, not without Haley, not without her beside me.

I just wanted to stop the pain, or escape it—to escape her. Because every time I shut my eyes, I saw Haley. I dreamed of her every single night but only to wake up in the morning, expecting her to be beside me and find myself alone. And every time making me remember that I just wasn't enough for her.

And that's why I did it.

Because I wasn't good enough.

Our love wasn't good enough. The people whoever said that love is good enough, fools. Because it isn't, just look at me. But that doesn't stop me from wishing that it were, that love really is good enough... That way she'd still be here with me.

But she isn't… And that's what made it hurt even more.

The car rammed into the wall. Swerved. Twirled. All with me still in it. But even as I found my body being hurled upon impact, all I saw was her. Damn it! I was going to die and still all I saw was Haley. I saw her in her wedding dress, on the beach on our wedding day—the proudest day of my life. I saw her in my arms, the moment I asked her to marry me, when we swore always and forever. Then I saw her, my Haley with Chris. Bastard. I saw her leaving Tree Hill, leaving me, _us_. And then it all went black.

I thought I had died.

But then I felt that ache returning and not the searing pain from the crash—it was that ache, _the_ ache. The one that refused to end as long as I was without her. It was then that I knew that I was still alive and that I would never escape her. I could try to escape life, escape death, but there would never, ever be any escaping Haley.

I thought—no I knew—I was good enough. But ends up I wasn't. If I was she wouldn't have left me would she?

People say, "You don't know what you have till you lose it." But life has taught me differently… That, you've always know what you have… **you just never thought you would lose it**.

I lost her, and along with her lost myself.

But now she's back. I lost her then, but she came back.

Maybe they are right; some of them _do_ come back…

1481 days too late.

* * *

(belated) Happy Valentines day everyone! And what better way to celebrate it then by a new story—a N/H story at that! (Claps! Squeee!) I know I disappeared, we moved to a new place and school is slowly and painfully killing me. (humor people)

But I am back with a new story, errr trilogy. Supposedly a one shot but it ended up being too looooong so I tweaked the initial storyline to make it into three chaps. I drafted this a long time ago but it was only lately that I got into actually writing it, so it's not actually all that new.

Kind of a slow chap, isn't it? It's the next chap that I loved writing, he-he-he. Is it angsty enough? I'm actually no good with all that "people always leave/screw love/I hate the world" emo writing, I just hope it didn't suck that much. I was actually pissed myself at Haley during s2 so I'm hoping in a way it reflected in my writing, I mean come on! Who leaves her hottie of a husband a.k.a Nathan Scott?! Yea I get it, she was just following her dreams but well Nathan is my dream—lol!

So anyway, reviews are very much appreciated and comments too so that I can make minor changes to the storyline if ever suggests (or hate mail?) pop up.

-**Kate**

P.s

My other story, _the taming..._ will be updated **soon**. Yay! I got a lot of mail from readers asking me to update already—and I will soon—but first a quick thanks to those who wrote asking for an update, thanks for all the support you guys! (big hug!) Makes me feel appreciated and my story wanted, lol!


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